Confession time

[Katee]

I've given bits and pieces of my story here before.

Unhealthy family (yeah, i know almost everyone had this), chronic fatigue from childhood and especially from age 16, anorexia in my late teens and twenties, and then really, really poor food choice for almost 20 years. I've been in and out of psychotherapy from the age of 17. When i see a doc and we discuss food or my weight it really messes with my head. When i began struggling more with insomnia and fatigue (and eventually depression) when i was 16 and 17, i was sure it was a physical problem, but no doctor was ever willing to say that. They said, "You're just depressed" and threw pills at me.

(Why, why, why are doctors so inclined to jump on depression for women rather than look for a real cause?)

I can now trace much of the problem back to fluoride (a teeth cleaning with fluoride when i was 16 made me violently ill and insomnia started about that time, tho i didn't connect the dots then; i've learned that fluoride calcifies the pineal gland that is involved in sleep regulation). I'm sure my thyroid was effected as well, although the numbers always returned as "normal."

Anyway, i did fairly well with the three hCG rounds last year, tho i did regain about 10 pounds. I still had about a 20 pound weight drop and was reasonably content. I then tried the hCG with a nutritionist (recorded in my hCG blog), and it really messed with my head. She blamed me for the regain - "You probably didn't do the maintenance properly" and sold me the fake hCG that was horrendous. I stopped the fake stuff within a couple of days and went back on the stuff i used before, but this time it didn't seem to work as well. I don't know if it was psychological or if the fake stuff screwed me up.

Now, i have to admit that even tho i KNOW with every bone in my body and every cell in my brain that fast "food" is not good for me - i crave it a lot, especially when stressed. I'm not a typical emotional eater, but when i'm stressed/depressed/discouraged i seem to crave the bad stuff and resent that i want it so much. I know that it does not give me nutrients, i know that i don't feel well when eating it. I have a list of symptoms as long as my arm for the side effects i have, but i still was really craving it. Good food doesn't make me "better," but bad food definitely makes me worse. I also hate cooking and cleaning up and am struggling with planning ahead. It sounds like i'm making a lot of excuses and i need to "just do it," but i am having a hard time. The nutritionist was the straw that broke me, and i went into bad eating mode. It had been over a year since i had been eating so badly.

The thing is, i really didn't regain much - about 3 pounds - when i started this.

Then John died on 10 April. John is the therapist i have been working with for 17-1/2 years. It was very sudden. Also, because of a paperwork mix up, i wasn't notified. I've been pretty stable for years now, and saw him about once a month to help me stay stable (and keep Duane sane instead of having to deal with my repeating myself so much). He also was doing documentation for disability.

I saw the medical doc (that i began seeing in January) a few days after i learned of his death. I needed to know if she can/will take over documentation (but that meant having to give more of my psychological history than i had shared before, and made me sound psychologically unstable now, which i do not believe to be the issue). I think she will be okay.

At the time of that appointment, i had been back to healthier eating for about a week but i shared with her the things i was craving. She suggested "more oils" - so i went out that day and got salmon oil, even krill oil, and already had cod liver and fish oils. I figured i would switch these out - not taking the same every day - with coconut oil as well.

From that time it was like i was on the "reverse-hCG" diet. I began gaining 1/2 pound a day.

That also sent me bonkers! How can it be that i gain only 3 pounds eating quite a lot of nasty stuff i don't even consider food and i know is not providing any nutrition, but when i go back to eating pure, whole foods and take healthy oils i gain a full 10 pounds!?!???

I am very discouraged. Granted, i am still 10 pounds lighter than i was a year ago, but to see a 20 pound gain from my total lost is horrendous. I hate my body right now, and my motivation is below sea level. I know i need to start back with either hCG or another something soon, but i can't seem to get myself enthused at all. I have a new brand of real hCG to try - and if that doesn't work, someone i know is getting the stuff that you inject and has the info for me to follow up (it comes from a doctor).

I know i have been really quiet here for a while now. I'm a lurker or non-responder, but i am "listening." (And i hate that when i do write they are such long posts.)

On another note - Duane has been really enthused with my cooking recently. He is enjoying the flavor of food, and even eating more veggies (which still is not a lot). I put raw cheese and butter on them (he doesn't have a weight problem). He is theorizing that somehow eating gluten free has changed the way he tasted things, and he is liking the flavor of things; maybe gluten dulled his taste buds before. It is much nicer to cook when i have an happy eater (especially as i don't eat the things i cook for him). I had been pretty discouraged when i asked, "How is it?" to get an unenthusiastic, "It's all right."

So, that is my story. I wish i could report better success with the weight. I do not believe my thyroid levels are normal/controlled. The natural supplement i am taking does not seem to be doing anything. I'm sure that is part of it, as well as my recent lack of will power, and just general discouragement.

[Reesacat]

Katee, I am so sorry for your loss.
I would think a shock like that would re-injure the diencephalon and mess up your weight. According to Dr. Simeons the diencephalon regulates sleep, emotions, and fat storage. Trauma is intrpreted by the body as "Famine" and switches to fat storage.

Could you have your chiro muscle test the oils to see if any setting off a reaction?

If you wanted to do a temp. graph and keep food diary for a week I could look it over to see where you are at.

[Reesacat]

BTW, I got those drops Katee that you ordered with the real HCG and am just finishing up a 21 HCG "tune-up" round.
I got some chocolate with milk in it by accident, and after eating it started to gain a bit of weight. My pain was much more, and I wasn't sleeping. I also got hit with grief as the early spring plants were 4 weeks ahead and I didn't realize they would remind me so much of my beloved's death.

So I ordered those drops and actually put on a couple of pounds with extra apples and sweet potatoes just to carb load. The actual drops with the HCG in it have lead to a steadier weight loss for me — I didn't have the ups and downs like on the homeopathic drops if I got a chemical exposure at the store or something.

This last week I had a virus and the kittehs were sick so my weight stalled at 124.6 lbs so I just did the 21 days with the drops and now am on the 72 hour clearing out to start Phase 3. I think for me around 125 lbs. is where my body is comfortable and probably won't drop below. I feel good at this weight and my body doesn't hurt (an extra 5 lbs. really made my knees and back hurt).

The pain is much improved and I am sleeping much better, so the goal of the 'tune-up round' was accomplished.

[Islander]

Katee, I admire you for having the courage to confess your story, warts and all. Everyone struggles with food issues, I think, but few are willing to lay it all out. "Don't judge me!"

The loss of a trusted and supportive therapist of almost 18 years must have been crippling. That event alone would have been traumatic enough, I'd guess, to upset your body chemistry, as well as to re-start the comfort food cravings. After all, for many of us growing up, food was the only real "comfort" we got.

But the subtext that comes through ALL of these separate issues for me (and I assume you are looking for feedback or you would not have posted this publicly) is self-esteem. You hate your diet, you hate your cravings, you hate your weight gain, you hate your body, you hate...yourself. Doubtless you and John were working on this — I see it as the underlying issue driving everything else.

I can't be there to stroke you and tell you what a beautiful person you are, how intelligent, how empathetic, how other-centered. I can offer encouragement in your struggle to overcome obstacles...I can profess my respect and admiration for who you are and what you have accomplished...but that's coming from an external source, not from within Katee. I don't know how to tell you to find it yourself. It's a tough mountain to climb. EFT works for some. But I do think the seeds of healing lie in accepting Katee and loving her. All other blessings grow from that beginning.

I wish you well, from my heart, on your journey.

[bmc65]

I may be wrong Katee, but I'd hold off a little while before beginning another round. Between the emotional upheaval and having to deal with physical stress like the bad Hcg drops you were given, which may have led to the problem of the junk food cravings. It seems like your body needs a chance to normalize a bit.
Trust your intuition on this though.

[Jane Chitty]

Everyone has expressed their thoughts so well (and including you too Katee).

BMC is right about holding off for a while and I really think that Islander has hit the nail on the head with the self esteem issue. Could I make a tiny suggestion? Remember that time when I had a bit of a moan about people writing I in the middle of a sentence and not with a capital letter and you came back in response and said that you had had self esteem issues in the past and started writing with a lower case i?

How about you, as the very first step in building your self esteem, changing from that small "i" to a great big "I" whenever and wherever you use the first person? And don't limit this to writing alone, think "I" when you are voicing an opinion or talking to someone too. You are kind and helpful, you care about others, you have amassed an enormous amount of knowledge and you are definitely important enough to warrant an "I" every single time.

[Pattypans]

Katee, as I was reading Islander's post above, the word 'accept' came to me before I read it. I want to send you a PM and can't figure out how. Can somebody tell me?

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is a time for everything...maybe you're ready (even if you don't feel like it), to find what you need even when that strong, right-there external support isn't as available, as Islander sort of said. Anyway, here's sending lots of love and support your way. For sure there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

[Reesacat]

To send a PM:
Go to blue bar at top of page and click on Private Messages.
New page: Look at menu on right, click on Send New Message
Message Form will appear -- fill in and follow instructions.

If you have any problems holler:)

[Islander]

Or...if the recipient (Katee) has a post on this page, click on her name (above the avatar) and a list of options appears. Click on Private Message and Bob's your uncle!

[mellowsong]

Katee, thank you for being so willing to express yourself. I am very sorry for the loss of John. As others have said, that trauma alone could have messed everything up. Somehow, you need to find a way to start loving yourself, faults and all. Right now, just now all of us care so much about you and think you are a very special lady. I too think that either you should wait to do another HCG round, or if you choose to do it now, go into it just to help reset the diencephalon but not with expectations of significant weight loss. Of course I can't say you will or won't lose weight if you do another round. Also, that kind of weight gain sounds like a good portion of it may be fluid. When I am exposed to something I don't tolerate, be it food or an environmental exposure, I will put on fluid weight in a hurry.

[Aaltrude]

Katee, I admire you for having the courage to confess your story, warts and all. Everyone struggles with food issues, I think, but few are willing to lay it all out.

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read your post Katee. I find it very difficult to articulate what I am thinking and feeling but everyone here is saying it so well and much better than I could. Please be assured that I am thinking of you and I am pleased that everyone here has so much to offer you. I am sending some big cyber hugs your way.

[highlander]

Katee, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying especially in regard to your relationship with food. I've also noticed that the harder I try to eat "right" the higher my weight climbs. When I just try to forget about it I actually lose weight. It's almost like the more I try to control things the more rebellion results. I also get cravings for junk food if I feel defeated in some way. And I don't mean I'll have a few bites. I mean I'll finish whatever container there is. I think that internal motivation is the primary ingredient to fat loss. (Similar to the point that Islander made.) You and I know a lot about what's healthy and what's not. Knowledge, money, opportunity, and a cheering team won't do it if we don't have that internal motivation that's steady and long term. I have days when I really don't give a damn and I eat accordingly (sometimes with guilt and sometimes not). Then I'll have days or weeks when I'm on top of it and everything is going well. I realize I've always been this way; but the older my body gets the faster it gains and slower it loses. And the more times I deal with the cycle the less motivation I have to get back on the horse.

I don't like cooking either; but I found that when I don't cook I eat less so that's a good thing with me. I actually feel my best when I almost don't eat at all -- living on coffee, whey protein shakes, and homemade juices. As soon as I try to eat what's considered normal meals everything goes south again. Obviously this is a problem when virtually every "diet" gives meal suggestions. I wind up thinking about all those meals made of things I don't want to eat at times I don't want to eat that just remind me of what I really would rather be eating (cheesecake, pizza, Almond Joys, Pringles). If I could just face the fact that I don't seem to function like other people in relation to food and stop trying to "fix" that I think my body would adjust and find it's natural place.

I'm truly sorry about losing John. That would cause anyone problems. Try to be patient with yourself.

[Julieanne]

[QUOTE=highlander;.. It's almost like the more I try to control things the more rebellion results.QUOTE]

There is a saying: 'What you resist persists'.

Katee, my thoughts are with you. I can't put it better than Islander - she said it all, and so beautifully. We are all with you!

[Maurya]

Katee, wish I could give you a caring, thoughtful reply, but the others have expressed the words that I would have used very well already.

[Pattypans]

Thanks, Reesacat and Islander, for the PM tips. It only took me one week to finally send it.

[Reesacat]

I'm glad you were able to send a PM, Pattypans! Pat yourself on the back for learning something new:) Took me awhile to figure it out -- Islander is a very good teacher and she walked me thru it step by step until I learned.

[Pattypans]

I'm glad you were able to send a PM, Pattypans! Pat yourself on the back for learning something new:) Took me awhile to figure it out -- Islander is a very good teacher and she walked me thru it step by step until I learned.

Thanks, Reesacat, but as I explained to Katee, my procrastination had another reason. That's why I was congratulating myself. The PMing was easy once you guys told me how.