Cat humor

[Stoneharbor]

OK, there's only one way I can put this out here and its a video, so sorry Islander if you don't have the time, but a 'transcript' just wouldn't do justice:

http://www.wimp.com/funnycat/

Glad I only cracked one rib on this. Could have been much worse.

[Islander]

Oy — I always have time for "Simon's Cat!" Collect them all — be the first on your block!

[Aaltrude]

I've seen that one before but it was definitely worth a second viewing. :D

[bmc65]

Drat. It's blocked here. I'll have to wait till tomorrow.

[Julieanne]

This is an ad for milk, but quite cute! Oh, Islander, you don't like cute - maybe I should just say funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8

[Reesacat]

Julianne, that was delightful!

[Islander]

I agree — that's funny!

[highlander]

I want those cat paws with thumbs to use as my thumbs up/down/sideways.

[Reesacat]

Great idea, highlander! Would be a very cool 'thang' for HH!

[bmc65]

Two very funny videos.
Highlander, I'll give you a cat thumb up for that idea.

[Julieanne]

Giving a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws rightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to check and check records for date to last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the * cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[highlander]

I love this! Thanks Julieanne.

[Aaltrude]

Giving a dog a pill:
1) Insert it inside a piece of meat.
2) Give to dog.
124

[Maurya]

Totally laughing my ass off!

[highlander]

A four pound cat can send you to ER.

[bmc65]

Okay, on break at work and laughing like a lunatic.

[Julieanne]

Aaltrude, there actually was a bit at the end about giving a dog a pill wrapped in bacon, but somehow it got missed out.

[Islander]

I edited it only to close up the white space. I swear I didn't cut anything out!

[Julieanne]

I know Islander, it wasn't you, it somehow got missed when I copied it. Here's some more.
CAT'S PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule -
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Cat's Creation Story

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and their humans broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litter box.

[Islander]

I especially like the second one — sent it to my #2 son, the other cat servant in the family.

A note to all: if you click PREVIEW POST before submitting, you can see how it will look when posted, and can close up needless white space, break up big blocks of text, etc. before posting. Saves you (or me) editing time later!

[Reesacat]

I love it Julieanne! Thank you:)

[highlander]

You all have probably already seen this one but Julieanne's post reminded me of it and it has always been a favorite of mine:

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

[Julieanne]

Thanks for the tip Islander. I was wondering how I could fix that.

[Julieanne]

[/URL]

(http://www.blakjak.demon.co.uk/cat_comm.htm)



[URL="http://www.blakjak.demon.co.uk/sty_men3.htm#fat_ann2"] (http://www.blakjak.demon.co.uk/cat_diry.htm#cntnts#cntnts)

Excerpts from a Cat's diary




DAY 659
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 662
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 669
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 681
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan: perhaps I should try this with their baby...
DAY 688
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 690
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 699
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other paw has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time .....

[bmc65]

Highlander, I hadn't seen that one before. Loved it.
Julieanne, can't remember where I'd seen this, but it's a really good one.

[Reesacat]

I have 7 kittehs (Islander keeps telling me having over 3 is a mental health issue but she loves me anyways LOL!) and this is spot on!

[Islander]

I can't imagine seven. I scoop the litterbox quite enough with only two!


A dog comes when you call. A cat takes a message and gets back to you.

[mellowsong]

At one time when my girls were probably 11 and 13, we had: 5 dogs, 8+ rabbits, a few snakes, numerous guinea pigs and 2 ferrets...in a small single wide 3 bdr trailer. No cats cause I'm allergic to them...that's the only reason. Does that mean I have mental health issues? LOL. DO NOT ANSWER THAT!!!

[highlander]

I can't imagine seven. I scoop the litterbox quite enough with only two!

If the litter box were out of the picture would you have more cats?
One of our cats does his business outside. (He likes to be outside in the day and inside at night. His previous owners established that routine. I worry about him but he's really happy.) Our other cat has a litter box in the garage. When she wants to go to her box she sits by the door to the garage and meows really loud. That way we don't have the litter box smell in the house.

[Katee]

I love cats, but 2 is my limit! Especially when one is an 18 pound monster. :)

[Islander]

If the litter box were out of the picture would you have more cats?

The usual number has been 3, but it does cost less to feed 2. That's a consideration for a gal on a tight budget.

[Aaltrude]

Keeping cats indoors at our place is not really a possibility and because of the danger they present to bird life, both wild and domestic, we will not have any cats. We have already had a problem with a neighbours cat killing some of our free range pullets. Our dog was introduced to our hens at a very young age and sees them as part of her extended pack and likewise the hens are not worried about her.

[highlander]

One of Islander's cats seems to like going walkabout for days at a time, driving her nuts (and me too; good thing I already was nuts).
I had a Maine Coon that did that to me on a regular basis. One day and I wouldn't worry. Two days and I'd get uneasy. By day three I was hiking through snow and -10 degrees calling him and fretting like a scared mom. After my moonlit hike I'd find him sitting by the door waiting for me. Meow. It was almost like a test to see if I cared enough to go looking for him.

[Julieanne]

'A Cat's Map Of The Bed'

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/a-cats-map-of-the-bed.html

[highlander]

Thanks, Julieanne. That's cute.

[Reesacat]

That is the way it is at my house!