Islander
07-04-11, 05:02 PM
To the citizens of the United States of America:
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were
not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were
not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.