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Thread: Glad he spared Leo

  1. #1
    Veteran Member StephenX's Avatar
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    Default Glad he spared Leo

    WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME
    Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
    The directions said that:
    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
    · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
    · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    · I had no control over the drooling.
    · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
    mitakuye oyasin na akita mani yo!

  2. #2
    Administrator Islander's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    I can't stop laughing!
    ➤ Happiness is the frosting on the cake of contentment.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Stephen, that is truly a public service announcement. Who would've thought? How long do you think it was before you let go of the tazer?

  4. #4
    Moderator Julieanne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Patty, I've read this story before, so I'm pretty sure it didn't actually happen to Stephen! It probably didn't happen at all - I think it's meant to be a joke.

    Maybe Stephen can tell me if I'm wrong!

  5. #5
    Veteran Member Mr. Wizard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Wow!! I sure hope this didn't happen for real.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Quote Originally Posted by Julieanne View Post
    Patty, I've read this story before, so I'm pretty sure it didn't actually happen to Stephen! It probably didn't happen at all - I think it's meant to be a joke. Maybe Stephen can tell me if I'm wrong!
    Oh, my, Julieanne. Duh on me. I feel like one of those people who took seriously an article on "The Onion". There were a couple of things where I was sure he was exaggerating for effect. Sheesh! (Insert blushing icon here.)

  7. #7
    Moderator Julieanne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Patty, don't feel bad! It shows what a good joke it was if you came close to believing it. I was caught out once by The Onion!

  8. #8
    Veteran Member StephenX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    I've been teargassed but never tased. It IS a joke! Who would do that to themselves?
    mitakuye oyasin na akita mani yo!

  9. #9
    Administrator Islander's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Oh... I'll bet I could name one or two people...
    ➤ Happiness is the frosting on the cake of contentment.

  10. #10
    Moderator Julieanne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    The Jewish ELBOW

    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
    coming to visit with his wife.

    "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There
    is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will
    buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with
    your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit
    my doorbell."

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
    elbow? .........

    "What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"


    Edit: Oops! Should have started a new thread! I'm not sure I remember how to delete - can you help, Islander?

  11. #11
    Administrator Islander's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    Look at the blue bar at the top of the window. In the rightmost corner is a number and an open square. Check the square, then run your eyes down to MODERATION TOOLS. Click on that and a dialog box open up. Just click DELETE and voila! Be sure to copy the post before deleting, so you can post it in a new thread.
    ➤ Happiness is the frosting on the cake of contentment.

  12. #12
    Administrator Islander's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glad he spared Leo

    I see no tab, Grulla. The blue bar looks like, #14 followed by a tiny open check box for you to check. I have never seen a "delete post" option anywhere but where I just described it, once you have checked the box.
    Above the blue bar, toward the right, I see the words, "Edit post," "Reply," Reply with quote" and a tiny icon for replying with multi-quotes. Do you see that too?
    ➤ Happiness is the frosting on the cake of contentment.

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